Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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