You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
