My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
