i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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