I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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