Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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