my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
