the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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