Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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