Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
