I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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