you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
