She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
