Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
