Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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