You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
