thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Randomize
