Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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