I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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