I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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