Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
