Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
