You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
