He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
