Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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