we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
