I can tuck mytits in my pants
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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