No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
