Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
