how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
