I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Bring me that man meat
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
