Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
