I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He kissed a someone with a penis
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
sex in a hospital.. check
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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