Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
