So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I love having hate sex.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
