he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
operation have a gay friend backfired
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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