Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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