I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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