On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Farmville is her only friend.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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