so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
