woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
