I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
