I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
