Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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