you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
birth control should be required to get into college
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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