Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
