Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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