it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
