I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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