I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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